Pregnancy, MS & Me
As of starting this post I'm almost 38 weeks pregnant and over the last few weeks or maybe a month or so, my level of excitement has decreased or was it even there to start with? Maybe its the thought of the impending birth of this tiny human or the thought of looking after said tiny human or even how life will NEVER be the same again, I don't know. I think even the whole thought of coping during the birth and afterwards and having MS scares the crap out of me. I know lots of women with MS have had children, so what makes it different for me? I don't know. People telling me 'Oh you'll be fine, don't worry.' doesn't help at all. Don't try and belittle my feelings cos it just makes me feel more guilty for feeling the way that I do. I am well aware I am not the only person on the planet who might feel this way. Don't get me wrong, I have wanted to start a family for a few years now and when it was finally decided to start trying it was super exciting! It has just kind of faded as the pregnancy has progressed, maybe cos I'm sick of being pregnant and want to finally see my baby I don't know. I cannot wait to hold him or her, maybe its just me being super impatient and the fact that i'm over waiting!
Even the whole process of buying things for the baby just seemed almost more like a chore then something that was fun and exciting. So much research was put into everything and it was almost just something that had to be done and ticked off the ever growing list of what baby will need. There are still things missing off the list that we need but who knows if you will ever be fully prepared for your first baby. I guess I have never been a very over emotional person and my excitement about things is shown is other ways. I have bouts of excitement about having a baby and where washing the tiny clothes and making up the cot was just the best thing ever. That however, was the extent of the whole 'nesting' thing. I've not had an attack of the 'cleaning bug' or 'rearranging everything 10 times bug'. I have been happy to rest and relax while I can and do the little things I enjoy doing. Do i feel bad about this? Absolutely not!
I do sometimes wonder if I hadn't been diagnosed with MS, if I would be feeling any different now. Would I be more excited? Would the thought of sleepless nights and fatigue not be so terrifying? My thoughts however consist of things like - What if I have a relapse when I'm at home alone with the baby? How can I cope with a new baby and MS? If i'm tired now how on earth can I do this? These are all very real concerns that someone without MS cannot possibly understand. The thoughts that go through my mind everyday of self doubt are real, probably the same for any pregnant woman on the planet. Will I be a good mother? Will I be able to teach my child to be a good person? Am I a good role model for them?
I guess only time can answer all the unanswered questions I have. I would love to hear of others who may have felt like this, or anything different and maybe if there are other mummies with MS out there who happen to come across this blog post, please tell me I'm not alone.