I just need to talk...

Never underestimate the power of just talking.  I don't mean gossiping with your bestie or chatting about who was up for elimination on the biggest loser but really talking about things like how your feeling.   I've since learnt that saying that I was ok wasn't hiding the fact that I really was not ok.  Pretending like nothing had changed when in actual fact everything has changed wasn't helping me deal with and accept my diagnosis.  Talking about how I was feeling was made difficult because I didn't even know how I was feeling.  My mind was like a washing machine of emotions, so if you could imagine every emotion just rolling around in there everyday, that was how I was feeling.  

I know I was in denial, so ignoring my diagnosis while I was in hospital and pretending everything was fine and that I was still happy and smiling, while it helped family and other visitors to see me that way but it didn't help me.  I would cry at night from feeling so overwhelmed and mentally exhausted from putting up this facade all day to help others feel better, but not myself.  I felt a sense of duty to help nurse my family through my diagnosis but this was at my own detriment.  When I was discharged and I got home, that night it all hit me and I sobbed uncontrollably for God knows how long.  Poor Luke unsure of what to do or say to help but there wasn't anything that could've been said or done to help I just had to let it all out as he hugged me close.  

I know I had mood swings and I was difficult and not as understanding or I guess as tolerable as I usually am which would've made me a little bit difficult to live with and I guess work with too. One day a dear work friend gave me the name of the nurse counsellor if I ever felt like I needed to talk to someone who was neutral.  This in all honesty couldn't have come at a better time because a few days after that I found myself a crying basket case (more then usual) and I picked up the phone and gave the nurse counsellor a call and made an appointment for the next day.

While I was sitting waiting for him to arrive I found myself suddenly nervous, wondering what I was supposed to say to this stranger.  When he arrived we went into a room that had soft lighting which was immediately calming and we sat on this comfy chairs facing each other.  The words came easier then I thought they would and he listened and offered sound advice and reasons as to why I was feeling this huge array of emotions.  My world had changed and I couldn't go back to life as it was I had to learn and accept over time that this is my new reality.  It will take time and I've taken all the right steps to move forward but acceptance is the hardest.  I spoke about how I felt guilty for feeling this way about a diagnosis that wasn't going to kill me so I didn't think I had any right to feel like my life had changed for good and that this really is a shit thing to happen to me.  I felt guilt for doing this to my family.  I felt angry because "Why did this happen to me?!?".  I felt defeated and sad - borderline depression - I didn't feel like me.  The thing that he said to me and has stuck with me is that its ok to feel all of these feeling its a process and it will take time.  He told me that I am still trying to live in my old reality but I have to learn to adjust to my new reality.  This is so true, I can acknowledge it but accepting it is different and will take time.  

After talking to the councillor I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off me.  It was the best decision I have made in regards to my diagnosis and I recommend talking to someone who is a neutral person.  

So like I said never underestimate the power of just talking.